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| 01:30pm 11/10/2003 |
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Why did I give Molly the password? So she could make it pretty. Why did I never change it? Cause Im stupid. Now Im finding (as I look back through my updates) that there are some missing. Because, I know there were a hell of a lot more entries. So...
Molly. If you ever read this. FUCK YOU. Fuck you like.. Youre never going to be fucked. Alright? Dont fucking mess with my journal. Editing entries. Taking some out. Whatever. I dislike you now. |
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(7 Bleeders | Bleed With Me) |
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| More. |
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| 01:22am 17/06/2003 |
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mood:  bitchy music: Learn to Fly.. Foo Fighters.
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I went to BFD on Friday. It rocked SO much. The Donnas sucked.. Not a good live band. OH MY GOD! I want to MARRY Dave Grohl. He is just.. perfect or something REALLY close to it. AFI rocked also. Oh.. And Taylor.. when he plays drums. SEXY MAN! I would have actually SEEN more bands but I felt like just laying on the grass with Jenny.We went walking around and got SHITLOADS of free licorice. So.. I dont need any licorice for .. EVER. God. They had nasty grape licorice that I was throwing at people. I hit this chick right inbetween her legs and she didnt even notice. Her boyfriend didnt notice either. (Ewww. He had superpuffy nipples) On the way home I fell asleep. Leaving Jenny to .. my mom. (dun dun dun) I still dont know if my mom asked her questions about Jennys party A YEAR AGO! It was over a year. Fuck that.
Wait.. I logged back on to say.. DAMNED KITTENS! I want my fucking bedroom back. I dont want cat stuff in there. I dont want a heater or a humidifier. I want my bed. I want everything like it was. I DONT LIKE THIS CHANGE! Why cant they just *pooof* GROW?!? |
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(1 Bleeder | Bleed With Me) |
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| Something I stole off of Sharelles journal. |
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| 03:49pm 16/06/2003 |
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mood:  accomplished music: Garbage.
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LAYER ONE
-- Name: Tya
-- Birthdate: 9/20/86
-- Birthplace: Santa Monica. California. Oh yeah baby.
-- Current Location: Santa Cruz. Still in California. Cause it rocks.
-- Hair Color: Half of its dark brown. The other half is red. With an all red streak in front.
-- Height: 5'5"
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty.
-- Zodiac Sign: Virgo.
LAYER TWO
-- Your heritage: Irish.. Cherokee.. Welsh..
-- The shoes you wore today: Reef flip flops. Light blue.
-- Your weakness: I care too much about people/things.
-- Your fears: Growing up. Paying bills. Having to be independant. Im not ready.
-- Your perfect pizza: Pizza.. is bad for you
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Maybe.. Graduate high school. Oh.. and be a bartender. Maybe a barista during the day.
LAYER THREE
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM/messenger: ...
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Where are the kitties?
-- Your best physical feature: ...I have a best physical feature? Eyes? Smile?
-- Your bedtime: When I get tired.
-- Your most missed memory: If I miss a memory, how can I remember that Im missing it? .. Or.. Dax.
LAYER FOUR
-- Pepsi or Coke: ...Diet Pepsi.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Neither. Fast food is nasty.
-- Single or group dates: Im not sure. Ive only been on single dates.
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas.
-- Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: ..Erm.. Lipton?
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Depends on what mood Im in.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Espresso in coffee. Why isnt that an option!?
LAYER FIVE
-- Smoke: Sometimes.
-- Cuss: All the fucking time.
-- Sing: Also.. All the fucking time.
-- Take a shower everyday: ..Not always.
-- Have (a) crush(es): Yes.
-- Do you think you've been in love: Maybe. But probably not. *sighs*
-- Want to go to college: Hah. Fuck no.
-- Like high school: Yes. I actually do.
-- Want to get married: Yes
-- Believe in yourself: ...No?
-- Get motion sickness: No.
-- Think you're attractive: Who thinks their attractive? SLAP THEM!
-- Think you're a health freak: ...Sure.
-- Get along with your parents: When they arent annoying. Or being bastards.
-- Like thunderstorms: Hell yeah. Power outages too.
-- Play an instrument: Is your voice an insturment? Cause.. no.
LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: No.
-- Smoked: Yes.
-- Done a drug: No.
-- Had SEX: No.
-- Gone on a date: Yes.
-- Gone to the mall: No.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Ew. Hell no.
-- Eaten sushi: No.
-- Been on stage: Yes.
-- Been dumped: No.
-- Gone skating: No.
-- Made homemade cookies: Yes.
-- Gone skinny dipping: No.
-- Dyed your hair: Yes.
-- Stolen anything: No. I dont steal. Bad Sharelle.
LAYER SEVEN: Ever..
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: No.
-- If so, was it mixed company: ...I said no, asshole.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: ...Oh my god, yes.
-- Been caught "doing something": Like what? ... No.
-- Been called a tease: Maybe. I dont remember. Probably. Its fun.
-- Gotten beaten up: No.
-- Shoplifted: No.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: I really hope I didnt.
LAYER EIGHT
-- Age you hope to be married: 26
-- Numbers and Names of Children: One. MAYBE two. Im not sure about names any more.
-- Describe your dream wedding: White. Roses. Perfection. Cake. Lots of people.
-- Where you want to go to college: Bartending school of America?
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: A bartender. ... Fuck you.
-- What country would you most like to visit: England. Ireland. France. European countries.
LAYER NINE:
-- Best eye color: Green.
-- Best hair color: Dark brown or black.
-- height: Taller than me but not too tall.
-- Best weight: The.. weight that looks good on the person?
-- Best articles of clothing: For who? Me? Or other people? Cause shirts are good in general.
LAYER TEN
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: ..One.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: I have no idea.
-- Number of CDs that I own: 200?
-- Number of piercings: Seven.
-- Number of tattoos: None.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Once. Somewhere in the south. An obituary. Relative I didnt know.
-- Number of scars on my body: I dont want to count them. Go away.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: I dont know.. Quite a few though |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Wow. |
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| 03:37pm 16/06/2003 |
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mood:  exhausted music: Pink.
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Its been so long since I posted. I dont know.. I just havent felt that Ive had anythingt o say that anyone would want to read. I dont do a lot. Im cleaning the "TV room" But its not really a tv room. Not yet. There may be a tv in there, yes. But its all dirty and nasty and cluttered. Now all the stuff that was in there is either in boxes or in my living room or kitchen. And thats just disgusting. Im such a fucking neat freak now. I cant stand it. I dont want things to be dirty. I dont want things to be even slightly dirty but I fucked up my living room and kitchen. Because Im going to clean it all up again. But hey! I get 100 dollars to clean the TV room so what the hell.
I did a drivers ed online thing but I still need to take the final test. My parents were bastards last night because it says they should be in the room and watch me but thats not going to fucking help me take the test. It will just make me anxious and not be able to do it right. Ill forget things. God damned DMV.
Had a boyfriend. Broke up. Met a new guy. Trying to get together with him. Damn him for being busy all the fucking time. Lost weight. Gaining weight. Dieting. FUCK YOU! Got new clothes. I WANNA GO AWAY FROM HERE! ALL I DO IS CLEAN! I feel like Cinderella sometimes. I just want to go to MY room and relax or something.. but nooooo. The fucking kittens took over my room. Fuck them. They dont need a heater and humidifier at the beginning of fucking SUMMER! My room is boiliong. The cats pissed all over my bed. Now I have no Blankets. I sleep in a sheet. On the edge of the bed. I want to cry now. God dammit. I hate this shit. I just want to go to my room and lay on my bed without having to worry about kittens or anything. Anyways.. BAck to cleaning |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Hm.. |
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| 10:13pm 10/04/2003 |
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mood:  dirty music: Christina Aguilera.
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I havent updated in a long ass time.. which is okay I guess. I mean.. No one really reads my journal. Its boring as fuck. I went the the psych dude, and he put me on Lamictal. Or some thing like that. Its supposed to take like.. a month to really kick in and I dont really want to wait that long. Oh well. ........................ ...................... ...................... ............................ I have nothing to write. My spring break starts next week. I have nothing to do. Im going to not eat. See how much weight I can lose. Just for fun. Wish me luck |
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(1 Bleeder | Bleed With Me) |
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| Okay.. |
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| 04:28pm 27/03/2003 |
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mood:  anxious music: Haunted.. ..Evanescence
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I wrote this poem today in biology class. It needs to be tweaked and all that cause I dont think its good enough yet.
Fly.
Standing.
All alone.
Eyes closed.
Listening.
Hearing the waves crash against the rocks.
Waiting for someone to pass by.
To notice her.
Notice her standing on the cliff,
Getting ready to fly.
Opening her eyes,
She takes a deep breath.
And prays it doesnt hurt.
It needs to be changed in some ways.. Im gonna work on it.. Make it PERFECT! Cause Im a fucking perfectionist. DAMMIT |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| More Poems.. |
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| 04:23pm 27/03/2003 |
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mood:  artistic music: My Immortal.. ..Evanescence
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I wrote these two during an economics class last semester. sometime around december.
Second chances.
"Not sure why, not sure why."
She repeated to herself
As she lay on her bed
Dizzy from pills
And loss of blood
"I never meant to hurt anyone"
She said,
In shock of what she's done
She lies on her bed
Hoping no one comes home
She lies on her bed
Praying she'll get out alive
She lies on her bed
Wishing she had a second chance
A second chance to do it all over again
But she lies on her bed
Thinking of the ones she loved,
The ones that loved her
Still hoping
Praying
For a second chance.
And then the other one I wrote that day.
Never again.
She looks down on her body from above
"What did I do? Why did I die?"
She thinks as she gazes
Gazes at the heap of mangled twisted
Metal and rubber
"Why did I let him drive me home?"
She wonders as she floats away
She looks around her
Hoping to see some other soul
Yet she sees none.
Not even the soul of the boy
The boy that was driving her home
She thinks of the sadness
Of the tears and mourning
She realizes
She's going to a better place than she ever would have
Upwards she floats, glowing
"Goodbye my family. Goodbye my friends."
She cries to no one
"I miss you already"
Hah. Funny thing about those poems. I submitted them to the school paper (and they got published) But I had to go see the school counseler about them. and that was really funny. cause.. yeh |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Poems.. |
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| 04:16pm 27/03/2003 |
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mood: artistic music: Bring Me To Life.. ..Evanescence
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i wrote this one sophomore year.. at one of those depressed points. no one loved me.. blah blah blah.
Masquerade
What am I?
Am I a person, visible to the naked eye, to be loved forever?
Or am I an entity, invisible to humans,
Never to be seen again?
I can never be sure.
And just when I think I've got it figured out,
Everything goes and changes on me.
So, I wander,
Lost on the scale of love and invisibility,
Real or entity.
It's strange when you think you are invisible.
When you feel alone,
The thoughts you have can be utterly terrifying.
You become irrational,
Sitting all by yourself,
Thinking,
Am I really here?
Do they see me?
No, they only see your shell,
Your masquerade of happiness.
They don't want to see the real you.
They only want to see your happiness,
Even if it isn't real.
If they ever did see the real you,
They would run, anxious to get away.
Because being yourself in this world,
Is a truly terrifying notion. |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Ooooooooooh. |
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| 03:29pm 27/03/2003 |
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mood:  pleased music: Going Under.. ..Evanescence
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Today in Biology we were working on a lab.. which was okay. But then PE... And omg.. Evan gave me this pep talk/speechy/lecture thing about how I should smile more and talk more and Im like... "Are you giving me a pep talk??" It was so funny.. Cause I didnt even know he knew I was there. Though we do have 2 classes together. AND... He gave me a nickname. T-Deuce or something. im like... uh.. Okay Evan. Youre freaking me out.
THE BEST THING ABOUT PE!!!!
I was talking to Blake.. And I brought up this concert that I have tickets to and no-one to go with. Hes all "whos playing?" Im like.. "Bon Jovi" AND HE GOT REALLY EXCITED! Not as excited as I am but hes going to try to go! Tomorrow he'll tell me if he can go or not and I shouldnt be getting my hopes up because he has this baseball thing in So.Cal.
Wow. I just realized today is a very Concert oriented day. Forrest was talking about how there are tickets for Ozzfest on sale soon for like.. 15 dollars. I told him to get me one and Id pay him back. And on April 4th Flogging Molly is playing is SF. And I want to go dammit. I wonder who I can get to go with me... *ponders going there with Pat..* Nah.. Ill.. GET MY MOM TO GO! That'd be some bonding activity. Wait.. Ozzfest is in July.. What else am I doing in July? Is that when Im going to Niagra Falls with Molly?
Ack! I have no Idea whats going on this summer. Ill figure it out soon, I hope. Off to either clean or curl up in the fetal position cause.. Ow. My stomach hurts like a motherfucker |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Ergh.. |
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| 12:03am 27/03/2003 |
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mood:  indescribable music: Tourniquet.. ..Evanescence
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Okay, school is weird. Now that Ive kinda fought with Rachael about some things i dont want to hang around her during break downstairs and I dont have anyone else downstairs.. What to do, What to do. Eh, Fuck her. If she didnt get the fucking hint that I didnt want her coming over so much, that I dont want to hang out with her as much as she wants to with me, SCREW HER!
So tomorrow I was thinking I could Stay during the class I dont have and Go to the Graphic Arts Room and work on my shirts.
Fuck. I need to clean A LOT! I got my new contacts and EVERYTHING looks fucking disgusting. I feel ashamed to be living here. Its weird. Yesterday it was all peachy and fine but thats because I was half blind. Now that I can see everything all clearly its really grossing me out. I just cant handle it. And.. Tonight.. I kinda felt like cutting.. So instead I drew on my leg/foot with a pink pen. It was weird. I drew SO many lines. SO many lines. Freakish amounts of lines. going to my toes.. up to my KNEE! I think Im going to dye my hair red tonight.. and paint my nails BRIGHT red. And I can wake up early tomorrow to do my make-up all "nice" Or whatever.
Friday is the Spring Formal. Im not going. Im going to be at home. Praying my parents wont want me to do something with them. Anyways.. Its midnight and im off to go ........ Dye my hair? Clean my room? I think the cleaning of my room needs to be done before I dye my hair. Yes. Yes it does. I will clean as much as I can tonight.. Then.. I will wake up earlyish and dye my hair? Yes. That also sounds like a decent plan. Though knowing me i DOUBT the second part will happen. Ah well |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Today and yesterday.. |
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| 07:04pm 26/03/2003 |
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mood:  uncomfortable music: Tourniquet.. ..Evanescence
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Yesterday I went to Biology, was bored. And also in pain. My stomach Hurt REALLY bad. It was very uncomfortable. So I called my dad and he picked me up from school and I went home Early So I didnt have to go to PE and I didnt have to see David. Hes... Not attractive to me. And hes annoying. So.. I went with my dad.. and we went on like.. errands or whatever.. So while he was in Kinkos I was in the car, talking to Molly on the phone. He came back out and told me to get off the phone So I did and I kinda reclined my chair and tried to go to sleep. We went and did more things, and we went to the optometrist and got me some new contacts cause the ones Ive been wearing.. well.. the one.. was all fucked up. It just wasnt good. So I got new ones, and I put them on.. and I looked around "everything is so clean.. and DISGUSTINGLY dirty." Guess we know what Ill be doing for the next few days. Clean Clean Clean. Cause Im a big fucking neat freak now. Whatever. Its gross living in a gross house. And I need to clean my room.
Anyways. My stomach has been hurting a lot in the past couple of days. Its really uncomfortable. And thats why I just changed my mood to that. Cause it started hurting again. GAH! Okay...
Today was boring. well.. except that I talked to Molly a lot while i was at school. And she talked to my friend Becca. Becka? The fuck if I know how to spell her name. Oh well. Its not like shes gonna be reading this. So .. She drew me this pretty thing of my name and its in my binder. also .. in Government I told my teacher I wasnt feeling well so he wrote me a note and told me to go to the nurse if I needed to. But I didnt. Graphic arts. Didnt bring the shirts to make cause they are in the washer. Shit, I need to put those in the dryer.
Ive realized recently that I get really into doing something then I get tired of it really fast also. So these things I like to do I dont do as much cause Im a lazy ass. Blah blah bla |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Im not a good person. |
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| 07:09pm 23/03/2003 |
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mood:  blank music: Adrenaline.. ..Gavin Rossdale
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I watched Labyrinth, and it was a good movie but I had completely forgotten that I was supposed to watch it for the first time WITH Molly! I feel so bad about watching it without her. (Im REALLY sorry Molly). And in the past 2 days ive talked to Paul twice. And Im not attracted to him or anything like that. I just thought it would be kind of a good thing.. cause you know.. Mollys 2 fav people getting along. Good, right? Eh.. guess not. But Molly, you never have to worry about me dating him or anything. I would NEVER do that to you. And.. yeh. Im sorry |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Updating. Now. For gods sake. |
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| 07:54pm 21/03/2003 |
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mood: annoyed music: Tourniquet.. ..Evanscence
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Today I went to school.. And that was.. entertaining. I had biology.. and PE. My PE teacher.. Piff.. Gave me a nickname for some reason. Its:..... T-Money. AND .. He made me play tennis. I was sitting down.. and he walked opver to where I was.. hes like "what are you doing?" and I looked down... "Well Piff.. Im bouncing a ball". So then He made me go play a game of tennis. So I basically stood there and Beauty played the whole game.
Then I went home and talked to Molly. And then I took a bath/shower. and my dad got home From Korea. He brought presents! I got a bottle of Romance by Ralph Lauren. Its really pretty. Smelling. Looking too.. I wore this purple dress to school today.. when I was on the phone with Molly this morning. Everyone liked it. SHe told me to wear the dress and not the skirt. Good times. Then I had to go to .. dinner with my parents. Fun fun. Just got home. On the phone with Molllllllllllls. Mollyrific. God she kicks ass. OH! when I was at the bookstore... or earlier.. my mom called Mollys mom and they talked for like.. a long time. DAMN THEM!Grr. Eh. Moms suck. And Mollys mom is MEAN. she called Molly.. "socially Retarded" which I personally dont think is true. So NER on Mollys mom |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Okay people.. |
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| 07:58pm 20/03/2003 |
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I keep talking about Molly. And Molly keeps talking about me. Cause were the best friends. But for anyone who DOESNT know.. She has an LJ too. Her LJ is traumagirl. REad her LJs. Add me to your friend list. ADD ME I SAY!!!!!! Add her too.. though.. she really doesnt NEED anymore friends on LJ. And I do. Cause Im unpopular. So be my friend. Im BEGGING YOU!!
Wow. Its the "desperate Mandi entry" I feel lame. |
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(1 Bleeder | Bleed With Me) |
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| Wednesday was JAM PACKED with .. omg.. so much stuff. |
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| 07:41pm 20/03/2003 |
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mood:  mischievous music: No-one Knows.. ..Queens Of The Stone Age
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Okay.. So yesterday we had a walk-out at my school. I didnt go to all of it because I couldnt afford to ditch anymore classes, but I would have really liked to go. I went to biology.. And when I was supposed to be taking notes or something like that.. I was writing postcards to ..guess who.. Molly. Then the bitch student teacher told me to put them away. Fuck her. Jesus. But then.. we had to make/draw this fictional creature with parts from 10 other living/existing prganisims (dammit. I wanted it to have a dragon throat so it could breathe fire) and I made THE coolest animal. I can6t even describe. I called it "the Wicked Gir Beast". Then at break I sat at the protest. You know.. someone really should have called the PRESS! then It might have done more. Then I had PE. That was..... Not so fun. Oh well.. Played tennis. Tennis sucks ass. It needs to die. Along with ALL other sports. After PE was lunch.. I went upstairs to to protest.. then i went to wait for my mom.. who was already here. AND ON THE PHONE WITH MOLLY! So I took the phone from her. Which probably made Molly happier cause my mom is a fucking LOONY!
Off we went to San Juan. Traffic sucks ass. I talked to Molly for the whole drive down. Then when I was there I played with little kids. 5, 3 and almost 1 years old. 2 girls and a boy. so cute. Anyways.. Then.. At .. 7 ish.. I came home and (well I actually got home at 8..) I called Molly.. Who wanted to sleep more. That was Fine. Ive gotten into this weird habit.. (damn tweezers) of plucking my leg hairs. Its kinda.. fun.. in a weird way that lets me concentrate on something. So I did that.. Then I called her again.. And again.. We watched Angel.. which ROCKEd. and there was probably more.. but I forget |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Such pressure to update. sheesh. |
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| 06:41pm 20/03/2003 |
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mood: hyper music: No music.. Molly sounds.
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Alright.. Today was.. okay. I went to Government class and that was... fun.. I guess. .. Then I had choir.. That was boring cause we sing the same damned songs every time and it gets old really fast. Like.. REALLY fast. So fast that I dont care anymore.
After choir I had.. Lunch. Well.. wait.. at the end of choir I got bored (ner) and I called Molly. That was fun. Then lunch. Boring. Then I had graphic arts. Im making a shirt for Molly. She "designed" it. And I think Im going to make her 2 shirts. 1 long sleeved and 1 short sleeved. Both Black. I could give her a pink shirt too.. Just to screw with her head. Hehe. Screwing with peoples heads is fun. When I was done making the silk screem thingy and made a print thingy on some fabric and got an "A" on the project, I went outside, sat on a bench and called Molly. I talked to her til class was over. I talked on my phone right in front of the teacher and he was just like.. go do your job. Which I had already done. So .. Nanny nanny foo fooo on him. Then.. detention.. she let us out like.. WAY early. we only stayed for like.. 20-25 minutes. Then I went home. Called Molly on the way home (I seem a little Molly obsessed right now). Fun fun. And thats basically been my day |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| A survey I found on.. someone elses LJ. |
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| 05:31pm 20/03/2003 |
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Thanks for the survey thingy Angie.
1. Age: 16
2. Sex: Female
3. Country/State: USA/California
4. Occupation: Student
5. Sexual Orientation?
A. Heterosexual<<
B. Homosexual
C. Bi-sexual
D. Transgender Homosexual
E. Not Sure
6. What is your chosen religious affiliation?
A. Atheist<<
B. Buddhist
C. Catholic
D. Christian Protestant (Methodist, Baptist, Non-denominational, Presbyterian, etc.)
E. Church of Latter-day Saints
F. Hinduism
G. Islam
H. Judaism
I. Other eastern religions
J. Unitarian
K. Wicca
L. Other: _____________
M. None
BASICS OF SELF-INJURY
7. Which type(s) of self-injurious behaviors have you used?
A. cutting<<
B. burning
C. stabbing
D. hitting<<
E. biting<<
F. banging<<
G. scratching<<
H. picking<<
I. scraping
J. bruising<<
K. wound interference<<
L. bone breaking
M. piercing or tattooing (for pain and/or SI only)
N. Other: _________
8. Location(s) of self-inflicted injuries? (list all that apply)
A. face
B. head
C. neck
D. shoulders
E. back
F. upper arms
G. lower arms<<
H. wrists<<
I. hands
J. cuticles
K. chest
L. breasts
M. sides/hips<<
N. stomach
O. genitals
P. thighs<<
Q. lower legs (knees/calves/shins)
R. ankles<<
S. feet
T. other________
9. Do you typically try to hide the injuries?
A. Yes .......... Kind of.. not really..
B. No
10. How long have you been engaging in self-injurious behavior? About a year on and off
11. How consistent has the self-injury been?
A. Inconsistent since the start
B. Consistent since start
C. Gradual increase in severity<<
12. How often do you typically self-injure? (Time bound by duration of injury. i.e. cutting
consistently for 10 minutes counts as one episode/ making a cut in the morning and another
an hour later is 2 episodes)
A. Less than once a year
B. Once a year
C. 2-10x a year<<
D. Once a month
E. Every other week
F. Once a week
G. 2-6x a week
H. Once a day
I. 2 or more times a day
13. Which of these feelings, if any, trigger you to self-injure? (all that apply)
A. anxiety
B. loss of control<<
C. depression<<
D. fear
E. anger<<
F. worthlessness<<
G. guilt
H. hopelessness
I. frustration<<
J. panic
K. numbness<<
L. disappointment
M. dissociation (feeling separated from reality)<<
N. loneliness<<
O. shame
P. other (please specify): ___________
Q. no emotions trigger me
14. What emotion is most triggering to you? Depression
15. What coping skills, if any, do you use to cope with the urge to SI? Nopt thinking about it. Talking to Molly.. Or someone else. Dont know who. Anyone.
FAMILY/FRIENDS
26. Have you told people about your self-injury?
A. I have not told anyone
B. I am generally comfortable talking to people about it.
C. I tell a few people (specify the relationship [i.e. wife, friend, psychiatrist] and whether
or not the disclosure was voluntary) Ive told.. a few of my friends, and my therapist and my parents. The last 2 were not voluntary.
27. What, if anything, affected you when you told people about your SI? (list all that apply)
A. rejection
B. feeling abnormal, bizarre or odd
C. being seen as abnormal, bizarre or odd<<
D. being forced into treatment or hospitalization
E. being treated differently in general
F. losing job or social status
G. being misunderstood<<
H. others being upset/hurt
I. being asked why<<
J. there is no fear about coming out
TREATMENT
28. Have you ever been to therapy for SI?
A. Yes
B. No <<
29. If yes, how helpful was the therapy:
A. very helpful
B. somewhat helpful
C. neutral
D. not helpful
E. harmful
F. can't tell
30. Have you ever been hospitalized for SI?
A. Yes
B. No<<
31. If yes, was the hospitalization:
A. very helpful
B. somewhat helpful
C. neutral
D. not helpful
E. harmful
F. can't tell
32. Have you been on medication for SI?
A. Yes
B. No..... not yet.
33. If yes, are/were they:
A. very helpful
B. somewhat helpful
C. neutral
D. not helpful
E. harmful
F. can't tell |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Grr. Sorry Molly. |
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| 11:22pm 16/03/2003 |
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mood: annoyed music: No-one Knows.. ..Queens Of The Stone Age.
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I wrote a whole entry that I could easily rewrite but I dont feel like doing that right now. My mom just yelled at me to go to bed. But I need to do these entries first. And.. I just cant seem to think of how I want to type it up. And I dont know what to talk about first.. All I feel like doing right now is stare at the screen. Damn. Im sorry Molly. I would write it all out right now, But Im sleepy, and I have to go to class in the morning. Biology I think. Ill Write ... One or two entries tomorrow at school. I also have to got my mom to send your package. bedtime for me though. Bith mom just called me on the phone and told me to go to bed. Grr. Moms are pervs. Bye people. ILL WRITE A LOT TOMORROW!!! |
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(Bleed With Me) |
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| Bowling For Columbine.. ... |
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| 08:39pm 14/03/2003 |
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mood: productive music: Bohemian Rhapsody.. ..Queen.
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Okay... So, today was weird. I went to all my classes and they were boring. My stomach hurt like.. all day. I had to take notes about Congress in Government today. Then we did some worksheet that I didnt really do. Choir... We had the testing thingy. I had to sing for the teacher. And I had to sing the part of the stupid song thing that I didnt really know so that was annoting. Then was Lunch. My lunch was a bag of hot cheetos and a bottle of water. And there was a band playing.. So I sat on the ground.. The dirty cement floor, in the middle of my friends.. listened to the music, ate my chips.. After I finished my chips I got bored.. And Im trying to avoid David.. I dont really like him. And I think he likes me. Grr. He wrote his number on my hand.. He expected me to call him. So the other day, yesterday I think, He asked me why I hadnt called him.. Im like.. "I dont call people" Haha. I only call people in Florida, Canada, Ireland.. And people I like. I dont really like him. He has bad hair. It annoys me.
Anyways.. after that I left the area.. to avoid David.. And I went to the Graphic Arts room. Cause I had nothing else to do. And thats what my next class was. So I sat in there and listened to Robie (the teacher) play the violin. He was playing some Irish music or something.. Anyways.. Somebody else was on the computer playing Metallica.. Enter Sandman. I love (I SO meant to type like) that song.. So.. the teacher would pause in playing the violin.. and i would hear Enter Sandman. Good times. So.. Classtime comes.. And I dont do anything. Im supposed to be doing something.. but i dont do it. I sit at the table and talk to Brittany and Lauren. That was fun. Near the end of the class I put my makeup on. Cause.. God.. The whole day without it.. Blah. So.. I put my eyeliner and eyeshadow and lip stuff on .. and all of my makeup was dark. It looked nice. But then, I had to wait for my mom who like.. lost my school or something cause she was 20 minutes late. Bitch. So.. I sat there, Bored as fuck.. waiting. She FINALLY showed up. And I looked pissed off. Thenn... The therapist appointment.
I was on my moms phone with Molly when we got there... And.. MY MOM HUNG UP ON MOLLY!!! So.. then I was pissed off and i wouldnt talk during the whole thing. I said "fuck you" to my mom alot. My therapist told me she cut herself.. 30 years ago! woo hoo. She thinks she knows what Im going through. Hah. Whatever. They can try. It wont work. The somehow I ended up wrestling with my mom. And I was really pissed off. And then.. her leg pinched my arm.. REALLY hard. So it bruised.. then I got happy. I got happy when she bruised me. She told me not to cut anymore. She looked at my legs. That was fun. She blames my friends for my starting. Nah. It wasnt anyone I know right now. It was my stoner friends from last year. Sophomore year. Well... I guess it kind of started when I scratched up my wrist with my nails at summer camp. Then.. tried to overdose on advil. Oh well. Screw that. That was almost 3 years ago.
So now I have this huge blue and purpley bruise on my arm. Its kind of spotted with pink/red dots. Weird. Yet cool. If i cant cut... Can I bruise myself? They dont last forever.. Theyre fun to show off.. AND ... I dont know.
AFTER therapy.. Me and my mom went and saw "Bowling For Columbine". When they showed the part about Columbine.. And People getting shot.. and the 911 calls.. I was tearing up.. It was weird. I never cry about national tragedies. I didnt cry about the Twin Towers... I didnt cry about Columbine.. I didnt cry about the Oklahoma City bombing. Whatever. It was weird.
Then I came home. and wrote this. but first I told my mom I should get on medication. Like.. anti-depressants or something. She'll probably want to put me on some ADD meds or something. I dont know. I have to talk to Dr. Gilbert. I could tell him about my cutting.. Then he would put me on anti-depressants. Hmm.. I could elaborate it.
Hmmmmmmmmmm...... I wonder when The appointment is. Oh well. Wow. I wrote A LOT. |
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(1 Bleeder | Bleed With Me) |
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